Listen For What Is Not Said

“Listen for what is NOT said.”

A beloved professor of mine in graduate school said this, teaching and encouraging us, as therapists-to-be.  It made a profound impression on me.

It’s sage advice—for therapists in client sessions—and for everyone else, in all kinds of situations and relationships.

For therapists, this advice on how to listen, not only to words, is a beautiful teaching in keeping with the spirit of client-centered psychotherapy, which  emphasizes the therapeutic relationship and authentic interpersonal connection within it, the importance of empathy, and respect for the client’s subjective experience.

And for sure, the counseling methods course where I learned the skill of “listening for what is not said” was a master class in applying these principles of client-centered psychology.

So grateful for the lesson.

But I think this is a skill that is called for universally, needed by all, and now more than ever in these divisive times we are living through.  Working to understand others’ views and experiences has gotten harder in this political climate, it seems.

Here’s my take.  We cannot know what’s in another person’s mind, right?  But we can improve our listening and other attending skills, to observe and gather what we can from what is not verbally said.

We can learn from what another expresses indirectly, in nonverbal ways.  Here are some ways to approach it:

➼  We can ask ourselves, What’s being said, between the lines? What is unsaid but implied in people’s words?

➼  We can gather valuable information from their long silences, their deep sighs, averted eyes, and other nonverbal cues.

➼  We can observe what someone avoids talking about.

➼  We can learn about them and their values from what they focus on and from the actions that they take, toward (or away from) something.

“Listen for what is not said.”

It’s really about paying close attention with curiosity and interest to the other person in all that they are expressing. And letting what you learn from them inform the communication process.

I took it to heart, never forgot it, and try daily to practice it professionally. But it’s a life lesson, too, and I’m grateful for it. Thank you, Dr. Seaman.

 

    *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 

Dr. Julius “Jules” Seaman was one of the pioneers of 20th Century humanistic psychology and my professor. May he rest in sweet peace.

A brief biography:

Julius Seaman, Ph.D. was an American psychologist, educator, and author best known for his work in counseling psychology and for his collegial association with Carl R. Rogers, the founder of person-centered therapy.  Dr. Seaman contributed to the development and dissemination of humanistic psychology during the mid-20th century, a period in which the client-centered movement was reshaping both psychotherapy and education.

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This is not a sports story

“He is able who thinks he is able.”

–The Buddha

I don’t follow golf, though my husband is a fanatical observer of golf and a very active golfer.  He was watching a televised golf tournament today.

A lesser light…

I heard the announcer droning on; he was mentioning a lesser light in the constellation of golf stars, a 30-ish man named Andrew Landry.  I call him a “lesser light,” though he burns bright—in a kind of way that intrigues and enchants me.

Andrew Landry is one who, as my husband informed me, “hasn’t won yet” on the PGA tour.   Though he has to be a highly-skilled and promising athlete and player, to even be there at all.  That much I know about professional golf.  I’ve absorbed a few things by osmosis.

A rising star…

Contrast Mr. Landry with the 19-year-old Joaquin Niemann, who just this week made his debut on the PGA, in the same tournament I overheard.  With stellar playing, he is already making his mark during his first tournament as a professional golfer.  He is a rising star.  Mr. Niemann is brightening the already star-filled world of golf.

Andrew Landry is not a rising star, having played on the tour long enough to log 31 tournaments, making this one the 32nd; he has not been winning, but slogging through, determined.  Believing in something.

In an interview, Andrew Landry said, about himself: “I don’t want to sound cocky.  I believe in myself.” 

These are the words I overheard the announcer speak about Mr. Landry, while not even really listening, and from the next room.  I hadn’t heard anything else.  Just these words about the player and what he had said; the words burned through the dull murmur of the rest of what the announcer went on about, and I heard them.

The quoted words burned into my consciousness.  They made me pause, stand a little taller, and lean into this player’s declaration with all my heart and mind and spirit, and I recognized, THIS.

This is the thing.

Believing in oneself must come before greatness.

Believing in oneself will buoy the believer up, steel nerves, and refine focus.

Believing in oneself causes a filling up with spirit, which is all we need to sustain us on the journey.

I did not set out to be a sports writer today.  And this is not really a sports story.

And, oh, by the way, by the time I finished writing this story about belief in oneself and how it sustains, I learned the happy news that Mr. Landrey won his first tournament, today.

Do you believe in yourself?

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Do we have habits or do they have us - life coaching

Do we have habits, or do they have us?

Habits and other automatic patterns of behavior can, as we all know, become problematic.  Every New Year’s Eve, millions of resolutions are made, and many are aimed at breaking unwanted habits or behaviors.

Come the end of January, often, we face reality (and disappointment), as efforts to change the behavior fall short.  What may not be clear is, when we set out to break a habit, we’re up against a formidable system designed to keep autopilot-like behaviors in place!  The human brain is adept at making behaviors automatic, and there’s a “survival reason” for it.

Many millennia ago, when early humans had to be on the alert both in hunting food or avoiding danger, on the savanna or in strange surroundings, the more automatic some actions were, the better.  It freed up early humans’ brain power to focus better on being vigilant—to stay alive.

The brain evolved to reward autopilot behaviors, too!  The neurotransmitter, or brain chemical, dopamine, is part of the brain’s motivation-and-reward system, and it is released in the brain when we experience something pleasurable, like high fat-salt-sugar foods.  This evolved to happen.

With early humans, when the food supply was uncertain or scarce, the pleasure effect had a purpose—when high-value foods, like fats, were eaten, humans evolved to experience pleasure from them.  The pleasure was (and still is) motivating: in this case, it created the drive to get more of that nutrition, helping ensure survival.

Fast-forward:  In our time, automated behavior is not always so vital, and sometimes it causes trouble—in varying degrees.  One example:  simple mindless eating, where we just grab a half-bag of cookies or chips, and while looking at a screen or some other activity, before we know it, the bag is empty!

Sometimes a habit or other autopilot behavior can progress into a problem, like when an individual develops a pattern of “emotional eating” or stress-eating, which can then move into the more troublesome territory, binge-eating.  There may be underlying body image issues.

In coaching, the client and I work on bringing to conscious awareness the automatic, unconscious stuff that contributes to the automatic behavior, like deeply-held, limiting beliefs (We all have these beliefs in some form).  Through “thought work,” and other processes, I guide the client to understand how their patterned behaviors developed and teach tools and strategies for resolving them.

When coaching is focused on eating and body image problems—in addition to thought work, other coaching processes, and teaching the client new tools and strategies—we work on barriers to change that may arise, as well as other issues.  Once the problem is resolved and coaching is near completion, we work on how to prevent the return of the problem.  The great news is that this kind of problem can respond well to coaching and can be overcome!

 Note:  I offer the Possibility Coaching Food + Body Program for clients who want to resolve eating and body image problems that are causing distress. Clients accepted to this program have otherwise well-functioning lives.  “Food + Body” is a coaching program, and is not a counseling or eating disorders treatment program for severe binge-eating disorder, or other serious conditions like bulimia or anorexia.

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why wait for your awakening - life coaching

Why wait for your awakening?

Sometimes a poem can say what would otherwise go unheard.  How this happens is a mystery to me.

Awakening Now 

Why wait for your awakening?

The moment your eyes are open, seize the day.

Would you hold back when the Beloved beckons?
Would you deliver your litany of sins like a child’s collection of sea shells, prized and labeled?

“No, I can’t step across the threshold,” you say, eyes downcast.

“I’m not worthy” I’m afraid, and my motives aren’t pure.

I’m not perfect, and surely I haven’t practiced nearly enough.

My meditation isn’t deep, and my prayers are sometimes insincere.

I still chew my fingernails, and the refrigerator isn’t clean.

“Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?”

Forgive yourself.

Now is the only time you have to be whole.

Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true Self.

Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.

Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe in your disbelief.

This is the day of your awakening.

—By Danna Faulds

Really, since high school (and I have to admit, that was a VERY long time ago!), when I first fell in love with poetry, I’ve sensed and loved the mystery: How does a poem convey what otherwise surely will be missed by our ordinary human ears? And open us up to new awareness? Never did get to the bottom of it.

I realized, just now, it’s better not to know!  Mysteries have their purpose—they keep us engaged, curious, and tuned in to our own experience, emotions, and thoughts… as we resonate like a tuning fork to the message they hold.  They can invite us to awaken to a great new knowing.  I can’t help but think these are all good things!  So why spoil the mystery of how this works, even if I could!?

Over my cup of coffee this morning, reflecting about all this and looking back to my high school days, I could even say that poetry saved my life. In a real sense, it did.

Already awkward, introverted, shy, lonely and unsure of myself—this high schooler then came to have trauma and depression layered on top of it all, like heavy blankets in summer. Not a great combo.  Maybe you can relate?  High school (except in Edwin, my husband’s, case!) was NOT a fun time, for so many of us.

So how did poetry save me?  In the midst of this terrible time, I was introduced to poetry in different forms, everything from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” to “Richard Corey,” by Edward Arlington Robinson.  These tragic and beautiful stories woke me up to a wide new world.  I entered a mysterious, powerful, gorgeous place of words and ideas that I hadn’t known, before.

In this awakening, I got the clear message that I’d survive.  In a way I hadn’t understood until that instant, I saw that so much of human suffering is—often unintentionally—self-created.  As one of my heroes, Martha Beck, says, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”  So even as a kid, I could begin to glimpse a new way of living, and that I was larger than my circumstances, and my True Self was right there, across the threshold.  I stepped through the doorway to meet her.

Then, shortly after, in one illuminated moment as I was walking down the school hallway, I knew in my True Self that I had to share about the awakening that is already there—that it’s waiting for all of us.  Ever since, I’ve been all about holding the door open for others.  And what joy that is.

Note:  Reading a poem—or taking in an emotionally moving and thought-provoking painting, walking in a beautiful wilderness, and other experiences—all can evoke an awakening.  There is also the practice of mindful living, intentionally creating moment-to-moment awareness.  This kind of awakening to new awareness and healing is always available to us, via simple mindfulness practices or meditation.  It’s easier than you think!

 

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Brave? Really?

​I am so lucky. I have just been invited today to join a Brave Group; women who have gathered to support each other in being brave in their lives. This got me thinking: What does it mean to be brave?

Bravery… Some Definitions

Definitions abound, apparently, and they are all, perhaps, true!1. “When you run into a burning building to save a friend, this is an example of bravery.” (from YourDictionary.com)

2. “Being able to confront frightening things… It also takes bravery to pet a friend’s German shepherd, especially if you are afraid of dogs. The earliest meaning of bravery was closer to bravado: ‘daring, defiance…’.” (from Vocabulary.com)3. “The quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.” (from Merriam-Webster.com)All helpful, if mostly unrelateable—at least to me—although I do especially like the last part of the last definition. I have never been called on to run into a burning building. I love all dogs. So Definition #3 seems most fitting.

Examining my own life, a few decades into adulthood (Okay, actually more than a few.): I see that there’s some evidence of bravery, applying Definition #3. This is pretty inevitable, if one lives long enough—if we are talking about mental or moral strength, facing difficulty. I will bet almost any amount of money that you can find evidence of bravery in your life, too, if you’ve been on the planet awhile.

My Brave Story

My “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad” year, 2001, was the worst year ever. To be accurate, it was the only truly bad entire year I’ve ever had. I’m quite fortunate, that way. I live an uneventful-yet-never-boring, happy, very good life, overall.2001, though. That was rough.Nationally, of course, it was the worst time. The 9/11 attacks on us were the saddest and most frightening time I know of. I was no stranger to terrorism; we were stationed with the Army in Germany during the time of the Red Army Faction, the Baader-Meinhof Gang, and their attacks on U.S. soldiers and bases, through the 1980s. But this threw me. On 9/11, I turned from an optimist into a pessimist, instantly. It took a good ten years to regain my optimism.

Job Loss and Back to School

But let me start in early 2001. It began with my being down-sized (laid-off, pink-slipped, canned), along with my coworkers. It was part of a massive event, the bursting of the dot-com economic bubble. It meant the loss of my dream job, and my 401k was halved in an instant, as the company stock dropped like a stone.

I decided to take advantage of the newfound freedom to return to school and pursue a long-held dream to study counseling psychology and become a therapist. Did that. It was an auspicious new beginning.

I Lost My Face

Several months later, something happened. I woke up one day and the right side of my face was entirely paralyzed. Off to the ER we went. A stroke was ruled out, and I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy, a neurological “event” (not even really considered an illness and temporary in the vast majority of cases).

However, I was not one of the 80-90% for whom Bell’s completely resolves in a short time. No, I had ongoing problems, and it created additional issues over the next year. I tried keeping it in perspective, made jokes that “it wasn’t cancer,” and worked on it with physical therapy.

But, to be a counselor, I really needed my face. So much of communication is nonverbal, including facial expressions! I was pretty terrified that the paralysis, the drooping, the inability to blink, tearing up all the time, etc., would never go away. (After a year, it began to diminish and my facial muscles started to work again. Still later, nearly all the issues resolved. I did get my face back, with a lot of gratitude.)

Terror Attacks and a Deployed Husband

The 9/11 attacks came, about two months into the Bell’s experience. My soldier husband, in Special Forces, was almost immediately deployed with the first group that went. His first deployment in the 18 years we had been married.

Now the depression crept in. I was pretty good at being an Army Wife, and I was graduate counseling student, so I thought: “I know about this,” and “I can handle it.”

Well, not exactly, it turned out. So I sought my own counseling.School and antidepressants, with the counseling, were my saving grace. I had great friends. Our three dogs kept me company and sometimes made me laugh. I counted down the months that my husband would come home (It would be six months).

A Very Sick Dog

Suddenly, Bruiser, our yellow Lab rescue, was diagnosed with diabetes. It was pretty bad, fast. I tried to take it in stride and learned how to give insulin injections. Then, overnight, he went blind. The neighbor and I built a ramp for him, replacing steps, so Bruiser could safely negotiate the steep drop from deck to yard.

Bruiser adapted far better than I did. Then we decided to use my husband’s extra “combat pay” for surgery. The vet specialist was able to save one eye and restored his vision in it! To me this seemed miraculous and gave me a great boost of hope.

Our Friend Died

Then a dear friend of ours died. My brave husband wept in Afghanistan, as I told him, by phone. It was the last distressing event in a year full of them. Any one of these 2001 experiences—or even some of them spread over a longer time—would have been fairly manageable. But it was so much more than something to manage. Finally 2001 ended, and a few months later my husband returned.

Muddling Through and Not Buckling

I never thought I was brave; it never occurred to me. Brave? Really? Until today when I read some of the Brave Group members’ stories. YES, brave. That year was all about ups and downs, loss and hope: getting downsized, returning to school in midlife, a health crisis, a terror attack, spouse deployment, depression, a much-loved pet’s grave illness and recovery, and the death of a friend.

2001 was also about muddling through. Searching for and finding solutions, getting support, gaining perspective, suffering the losses, missing and fearing for my husband, and, to paraphrase a Brave Group member,

   “I can’t say I did things right every day, but I tried, every single day.”

If bravery means a kind of mental toughness that is gained simply by muddling through a difficult time, and not buckling, I’ll take that. I hope this story of “my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year” has shed new light on how brave you are, too.What’s your Brave Story?

______________________________________________________ 

Inspirational phrasing, “terrible, horrible, no good…” adapted from the children’s book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst.

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work-life - balance - life coaching

Hard-driving? Pushing yourself? Feeling pressure? It’s time to rest and play…

“These are the days it never rains but it pours…”

David Bowie and Freddy Mercury were right (in their song, “Under Pressure”). It’s well-known (and tolerated!) that the pace of life is harsh and keeps speeding up all the time. Shorter deadlines, worse traffic, even-less sleep, and relentless changes—political, cultural, and technological—all add to the intensity.

This always-connected, always-on 21st Century world is one in which the very pace of change keeps increasing. Social media has created so many new channels of communication that generate new demands on both our energy and emotions. It pretty much exhausts me, even just contemplating this.

Then there is the grueling pace and amount of time we spend at work to consider, too. My client, Lissane, striving to be all things to all people while at the same time keeping her consulting business powered up and going full out, got a deer-in-the-headlights look when I asked her what she does for fun. “I work,” she said. Yes, she enjoys her work. But what was so telling was, she didn’t have a real answer to my question—she doesn’t have a single pastime or passion outside of work, for the fun of it.

The Fallout

The fallout of this way of living can be felt in so many different ways. We experience the knot in the stomach, information overload, the daunting prospect of learning how yet one more new tech gadget works (in my case, the new Roomba, still in its box after a month), and sometimes a sense of “overwhelm” –when that one last thing tips us over into a highly-stressed state. Sleep suffers. We have been called the chronically sleep-deprived nation.

Sometimes, we get sick as a result of this stress and pressure-filled life. Or it hits us very hard, as in, “I’ve pushed and pushed to the point that I’m missing out on my family life. I’ve missed so many of my son’s games!” Or worse, as in, “I wish I had spent more time with Dad. Now he’s gone.” Very, very hard.

The Fix

How do we slow down, take a breath, and enjoy life more—right now? For starters, we can think about ways to simplify things and gain traction at work with tiny changes, like checking messages once at the beginning of the work day and then at noon, and at the day’s end, vs. the very second we wake up and throughout the morning and afternoon. Make small gestures of self-kindness, like carving out some time for self-care. Try giving ourselves permission to respond with a well-considered and carefully worded NO to some of the requests (and demands) for our time and energy.

After slowing down a bit, being a little more present in our lives, we can take up this challenge: Both resting well and playing well are perhaps the most important thing we can do. These two practices have been advised by some of the wisest people.

PLAY is one antidote for the stressed life; and it is just as important as WORK. In fact it may be critical for creative and productive work. SLEEP, good quality sleep, is the other antidote for high-paced, super-intense living. Another thought, playing hard will help us sleep better, quite possibly! And, full circle: a great night’s sleep can give us the energy that might make work more enjoyable, maybe even more playful.

One of my heroes, the very funny and wise Martha Beck, treats sleep and play as a single, interrelated subject and a very serious one, at that. Similarly, her notion of work feels more like passionate play to me. Martha’s Zen koan-like offering on the subject is one that can open our thinking and help unravel a greater truth:

“My advice to you is to play until you feel like sleeping, and then
remember to SLEEP UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE PLAYING. Without both
sides of the equation, the profoundly innovative things that are
meant to come through your creativity can’t be realized as fully
or as quickly.”

I was reminded of this truth recently—that REST AND PLAY both are vitally important. My friend Kerry was finally able to leave her soul-sucking, energy-draining, stress-inducing corporate job, working as an executive for a giant corporation in the food industry… and she is now in her 4th month of recovery, as we are calling it.

Kerry’s process of recovery includes many naps, morning bike rides every day in the gorgeous outskirts of Boulder, Colorado, and she walks the labyrinth at a nearby church. She’s on a mission to build a different kind of life and creatively optimize it as best as possible. Her dedication is paying off: she is feeling better than she has in a long, long time. Everything she is doing is an expression of her genuine self. Her fledgling catering business is starting to take off. She has time to visit old friends and relatives around the country. Even take a leisurely vacation.

What About You?

Not everyone can leave a job, as much as that might be desired—but we CAN begin to put into action Martha Beck’s advice. She makes it sound so simple, and in a sense it is. Yet… schedules seem rigidly fixed. There is so much to do, and not enough time.

So, what are the immediate and intermediate steps to getting there? The short answer is: prioritization. Put self-care (and family time if that’s missing) back on the to-do list and make time on the calendar. Treat these as must-do’s. Let a few non-urgent things drop off the calendar and fall into the Bottom Drawer.

John, a mentor of mine, told me once that he practices the Bottom Drawer Approach to Time Management. When I asked about this, he told me, very seriously, “The less urgent projects and tasks that I consider to be ‘C’s are stashed out of sight. I will get to them. Or I won’t. Very often, those I don’t get to… just go away. They’ve become OBE, or ‘overcome by events’ by the time I get to them!” He meant that changing conditions had made the ‘C’ tasks irrelevant. I never forgot that, have used the Bottom Drawer strategy to good effect, and it’s never gotten me in trouble once!

Slow and steady, small-yet-incremental changes from using strategies like prioritization will add up.

The more far-reaching approach is to rethink what PLAY and SLEEP mean.

Play… Ask yourself, “What is that one thing I’ve been wanting to try?” Painting classes? Learning a new dance step? These subtle longings and curiosities might just hold the answer to the Play question. A benefit to learning new skills, when engaging in something called deep practice with “right brain” engaging activities, is an increased potential for creativity. (And sleep is very important in this, too!)

You can also ask yourself, “What did I love to do when I was 7 or 8 years old?” Maybe your answer holds some keys to creating a more playful life. You loved to swim and play in the water? Join a gym that has a pool and offers pool-related activities. Or, you spent many happy hours on your bike? Or, like me, on horseback? Take your cue from these memories and create new fun.

Sleep…

Ask yourself, “How can I best improve my sleep?” Inquire into your own habits. Where can you tweak things just a little, to better your sleep? (Check out my state-of-the-science tips to optimize your sleep, below.) Sometimes, small adjustments will make a big difference, or even a paradigm shift.

Thanks to Kerry and Martha, as I’ve rethought this issue, I’ve paradigm-shifted it: it’s become clear to me that we’re never too old, that… Napping and playing aren’t just for kids.

 

 

Advice from Martha shared in this article is from: http://marthabeck.com/2011/03/keeping-those-creative-juices-flowing/. For some more playful advice and a giggle-out-loud read, see her blog post at: http://marthabeck.com/2009/08/the-adequate-sleep-life-enhancing-experimental-project/. To learn more about how the brain is restructured through deep practice and sleep, see Martha’s article, http://marthabeck.com/2011/10/turn-on-your-right-brain/.

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Say No to Say Yes

Today can be a perfect starting place, a portal; it can be a magical, even mystical, point of departure.

Where to, you might ask?

This very moment can be a doorway, gateway, pathway… even a membrane. The metaphors all serve. For me it’s a line. I think of it as a boundary line we can step over and cross, quite on purpose, to get to a different country. This imaginary-yet-real boundary line is apparent, once you look for it. It is simple (though maybe not easy) to cross. No passport needed.

Whatever we call it, it can lead to a very happy destination.

So then, what waits for us on the other side of the boundary line, in this new country? Quite assuredly, I will tell you, it is the opportunity to reside—as a native, of a vivid, enchanting, wildly alive, and beautiful new land—in a self-made place of our choosing… only limited by our imagination and our willingness to explore.

This new territory can become home, where we can allow to flourish whatever it may be, what is waiting to happen, in our yearning.

Whatever that is, it will be SO completely worth it: Make art when we thought we were without talent or creativity. Go hiking because “that’s what I always wanted to do.” Dance every day. Learn all the major constellations. Become a philanthropist or an activist. Take up bird-watching with a friend or partner, as an excellent excuse to spend days together in gorgeous, wild places, communing with the animals. Pretty much all these call to me!

What are your yearnings?

There are so many more examples, as in my case, recently: Give up a habit that no longer serves, like social drinking. Find a new and kindred tribe, such as others who love to learn and grow, too. Fall in love with a “lost art” from an earlier time in life, like photography. Go deeper within, like discovering a spiritual depth and greater meaning, the everyday sacred, in life. And—ha! Get over inhibitions; go put on a bathing suit for the first time in ten years, with abandon, and swim, just for the joy of it!

“Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.”

–Anne Lamott

Oh—PLEASE!, I beg myself, (and anyone else who’s willing to listen!):  DO NOT wake up one ordinary day in ten or fifteen years and be living a sad, missing-out, regretful, rear-view perspective of reality. Hollow and echoing of might-have-been’s. “NO!” to that, and “YES!” to Life, with a capital “L.”

For us all:

Say no to the comfortable, old reasons why not and to thoughts about others’ judgments, “If I do that, they’ll think______________.” Get a little uncomfortable and say yes to Life.

Say no to doubt and fear, while still allowing them to coexist with the yearnings and new plans. There’s room for the doubt and fear, and sometimes they have real purpose. The trick is, not letting them be the boss.

Say yes to “what wants to happen,” as Martha Beck invites us!

This is my best recommendation for Life well-lived, if I may offer it. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m taking myself up on my own advice; I’m there now, further exploring my new adopted country. Every day, I plan to choose to step over the imaginary boundary line, from the old and into the new land, all over again.

Will you come with me?

 

[My thanks:  With gratitude and respect for the beautiful wisdom teachings of Martha Beck, Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, Nona Jordan, and Sarah Seidelmann. Thank you, Amy Bernier, for modeling this adventurous, creative, courageous way of living. Thank you, Becky Baker, for your early influence (beginning when we were 16), for your encouragement to say yes to Life at a time when it all seemed pretty dark, and for your lifelong friendship.]

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how to choose a life coach - life coaching

How to choose the right life coach

Wondering how to select the right life coach for you?  There are many kinds of­­ coaches offering services for a wide range of needs and goals people have.  How do you know what to look for, and what to avoid?

The first thing to ask—of yourself, that is—would be:  “What kind of coaching is right for me, in terms of my goals?”  The thoughtful answer to this will lead you to those coaches who are best equipped for your needs and goals.  Many offer a no-obligation consultation.  This is a great way to find out if coaching is right for you, in general, and whether the coach you meet with is right for you.

For Single-Focused Folks

Some coaching is tailor-made for those who know their needs and have a very defined goal or goals.  For example, you may want to find a coach who is experienced in helping athletes, if that is your aspiration.  Another example: if you are a stressed-out mom of young children, maybe that’s the filter you will use to find a coach who focuses on helping women like you.  Or maybe you’re a newly-minted real estate professional who would like the access to and accountability of working with a real-estate coach with experience and industry knowledge.   As a “Single-Focused” client, your best bet is to identify a coach who can reliably address your needs.

I think of this kind of coach as a “single-focus coach,” and the best single-focus coaches are experts in their fields but also know how to work with and train their clients and who have a wealth of experience in this kind of coaching. ­­ These twin attributes, expertise and teaching ability and experience, are the gold standard to look for.

This coaching experience, with emphasis on a single skill or development of a particular knowledge base for a recreational or professional sport, work or career advancement, or another very single-focused area of life, will help you to produce the specific result you’re looking for in your life.

For “Works-In-Progress”

On the other hand, maybe your goal is unclear or less clear, and you need support in clarifying and honing in on just exactly what is next for you (regarding career, school, relationship, a creative endeavor, or another major life transition).  Or you know what you would like to do, but you’re feeling unsure about how to get there.  Or you have begun a process or project and are feeling stalled or stuck, perhaps.  In each of these scenarios, coaching support can make all the difference to move you forward and meet goals.  If you are a “Work-In-Progress,” then my recommendation would be to find the kind of coach who really gets this, and who has experience in helping people to (1) untangle from the confusion or better understand what is truly holding them back; (2) dig into and uncover what is most important and how to leverage your strengths; and (3) learn new and effective tools to make things really happen!

How do you find a coach who meets these criteria?  An effective life coach who can help “Work-In-Progress Clients” should have the appropriate experience, the knowledge, and the right abilities and attributes to help you access and tap into your “wise self” and the “life compass” within, and all that this means: your dream for your life, goals, inner motivations, hidden talents, and your capacity to change your life.  This kind of coach can accurately “get” who you are.  This kind of coach will help you see the potentials and possibilities—as well as the actual and perceived barriers, so you can move past them, find your way forward, and get things done to meet your goal!

This kind of life coach is what I think of as a personal development coach.

An effective personal development coach possesses the vision and has the outlook that the client is already equipped with the resources for all life tasks, but just needs some help in tapping into these inner resources.  Such a coach knows that there are nearly endless possibilities for each of us to succeed, to be creative, and to make a difference, so we can be our authentic selves in our work and personal lives.

The best personal development coaches understand the ways we as humans work in the world—our patterns of behavior and the thinking and belief systems that make us do what we do.  This kind of coach also has the training and knowledge of the ways to transcend or override such patterns if they are holding a person back, and knows how to teach the tools to others to accomplish this.

There are so many additional benefits that the client may expect, as well:  A new awareness of the possibilities for fulfillment and a richer, fuller life.  A higher-degree of confidence.  New hope and optimism.  Less fear and anxiety about the unknown future.  More ease in taking calculated risks.  A joyful sense of freedom!

What can you expect from just such a personal development coach?

She or he will:

  • Be present with you and truly listen to you.
  • Offer acceptance, encouragement, support, and kind-yet-honest feedback.
  • Attune the coaching process to your individual needs and goals and at a pace that works best for you.
  • Help you recognize patterns of thinking you may be unaware of— that may be hampering you or hindering you from reaching your true potential.
  • Assist you in the process of reframing or even eliminating outdated or unhelpful patterns of thinking.
  • Provide the opening to allow you a sense of new possibilities and shifts in perspective.
  • Share with you the strategies and tools for advancing your progress and ultimately meeting a goal or making a life change.
  • Encourage you to recognize and tap your own innate capabilities, courage, and vision for your best possible life.
  • Serve you as a nonjudging helper and guide on your journey through and beyond the uncertainties, difficulties, and challenges you face.
  • Celebrate with you the victories, big and small, as you move past the old barriers, learn new lessons, and move toward your biggest, most beautiful life!­

So whether you are seeking single-focus type coaching to become better at a particular skill, or you are a work-in-progress who wants to grow personally and make significant life changes:  here’s to your success, and I wish you a positive and impactful experience in coaching.

 

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