“Listen for what is NOT said.”

A beloved professor of mine in graduate school said this, teaching and encouraging us, as therapists-to-be.  It made a profound impression on me.

It’s sage advice—for therapists in client sessions—and for everyone else, in all kinds of situations and relationships.

For therapists, this advice on how to listen, not only to words, is a beautiful teaching in keeping with the spirit of client-centered psychotherapy, which  emphasizes the therapeutic relationship and authentic interpersonal connection within it, the importance of empathy, and respect for the client’s subjective experience.

And for sure, the counseling methods course where I learned the skill of “listening for what is not said” was a master class in applying these principles of client-centered psychology.

So grateful for the lesson.

But I think this is a skill that is called for universally, needed by all, and now more than ever in these divisive times we are living through.  Working to understand others’ views and experiences has gotten harder in this political climate, it seems.

Here’s my take.  We cannot know what’s in another person’s mind, right?  But we can improve our listening and other attending skills, to observe and gather what we can from what is not verbally said.

We can learn from what another expresses indirectly, in nonverbal ways.  Here are some ways to approach it:

➼  We can ask ourselves, What’s being said, between the lines? What is unsaid but implied in people’s words?

➼  We can gather valuable information from their long silences, their deep sighs, averted eyes, and other nonverbal cues.

➼  We can observe what someone avoids talking about.

➼  We can learn about them and their values from what they focus on and from the actions that they take, toward (or away from) something.

“Listen for what is not said.”

It’s really about paying close attention with curiosity and interest to the other person in all that they are expressing. And letting what you learn from them inform the communication process.

I took it to heart, never forgot it, and try daily to practice it professionally. But it’s a life lesson, too, and I’m grateful for it. Thank you, Dr. Seaman.

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Dr. Julius “Jules” Seaman was one of the pioneers of 20th Century humanistic psychology and my professor. May he rest in sweet peace.

A brief biography:

Julius Seaman, Ph.D. was an American psychologist, educator, and author best known for his work in counseling psychology and for his collegial association with Carl R. Rogers, the founder of person-centered therapy.  Dr. Seaman contributed to the development and dissemination of humanistic psychology during the mid-20th century, a period in which the client-centered movement was reshaping both psychotherapy and education.